So this post follows on from last week, but instead of talking about my depression, I'm going to talk about different ways you can help those you know who are struggling with depression or other mental illnesses.
Okay so I had this post all written out yesterday. Some do's and don'ts of things to say and do to help but I didn't feel comfortable with posting it. Like at all.
Then I realised that while there are certain things that can't be said or done and others that can be useful but actually that isn't the point.
The point is to love them. Love them no matter what. This can be hard, especially with some one like me who pretends I'm okay for months and then ends up screaming at my family in public (last time it was in the middle of a beach in Spain) about how I want to die and that they haven't been looking after me enough despite me not actually admitting that I needed it. Despite all of this my family love me unconditionally and that is my rock throughout everything. They have been behind me 100% especially since I went off sick three months ago and it has meant the world.
Be there as they need you to be. Platitudes and help can mean a lot, but a lot of time we're not in a position to actual feel gratitude or love from such actions and then we end up feeling guilty because we know all you're trying to do is help and it's not working. I know it can be hard from both ends, for the people trying to help who end up feeling helpless because nothing they do seems to be helping and for those who need the help who end up feeling guilty. What I suggest is to actually ask them what they want. What makes them feel loved or appreciated and supported. They may not always know, but doing this opens up the discussion and can actually help in a big way because knowing that you're trying to understand can often mean more than many normal ways of helping.
This also helps because actually we are all different, and so we experience mental health in different ways. Something that might be hard for me might be easy for some one else, or something that is easy for me might be hard for some one else. I know that actually things that make me feel better (such things as many hugs and constant reassurance) don't actually help my family members. If I was to try and help them when they're sad by doing things that I know help me it might not actually make any difference at all, because it doesn't mean the same to them as it does to you. (Fun tip- look up love languages!)
The one thing I do ask for you not to do is to try and outwardly judge them. If I'm hanging out in my house being a slob who hasn't manage to shower in several days and has barely moved from my bed and basically lived on chocolate this whole time, what I need is some one to just appreciate how much energy it took for me to actually get out of bed and move. Believe me I know what my behaviour must look like, I don't need you to tell me. Just celebrate the small victories with me, and then I might be able to get better enough to do the bigger things.
Mental health might be hard to understand, it may not make any sense to you. Actually it doesn't make sense to me 90% of the time and it is my reality, but loving people despite not understanding is the best thing you can do. It really does mean everything.
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