I should tell you

So I wouldn't say that I suffer from anxiety, or rather not in the same way I suffer from depression. That doesn't mean that it doesn't affect my life however.

Every time I decide to leave the house, without some one I'm comfortable with, every time I make a phone call, I start getting this overwhelming desire to start crying. I'll forget something I need and start panicking that every thing is going to go wrong.

It doesn't matter who I'm going to see or what I'm going to do, the overwhelming desire to simply give up and go back into bed is unbelievable. 

There are many reasons for this, but I think it stems from this original idea that I have, that I never belong. I'm always someone's second choice, the odd one out, only wanted when there is no one else. (I'm not saying this is true, it's just what my brain is mostly thinking.)

I'm not saying that this is the normal reaction to going out for some one with depression, but as far as I can tell it is definitely not uncommon. We have these thoughts in our heads, telling us we're not good enough, that we're not wanted. So why would we want to go out and see people when that will only reinforce those ideas? (Again, I'm not saying that you would, I'm just saying that is how we're viewing things).

I'm not posting this as an excuse for how crappy I've been at keeping in contact this year, I'm simply posting my experiences. All I ask is that if you know someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety, please don't judge them too harshly if they're struggling to be out and about with people. Never take it personally, or assume that they don't want anything to do with you. This is hardly ever the case. Sometimes it's just too hard to get out and be among people. Please be patient. 

So much love for all of you.

Joy to the World

So, if any of you know me very well, you will know that I love Christmas. I love all of it, it brings out the child in me.

What you may not know though, is why I love it so much. You know that I am an excitable person so I love all the decorations and outfits. You know that I love chocolate so advent is just the bomb. You know that I'm a complete sop so any Christmas film will make my heart warm. You know I love singing so being in a choir and performing makes me feel alive. You know that I'm a Christian so I have religious reasons to enjoy it. Jesus humbled himself and came as a baby? Wow.

These are all reasons why I enjoy Christmas. Not why I love Christmas. Let me tell you why I love Christmas.

Christmas is a season of hope, of light. When I was in year 4, I was asked why Christmas was in winter, and my 9 year old answered: "because Jesus is the light of the world, and so we celebrate him in the darkest of seasons."

This is the most true things I've even said, except now it has a much more personal reason.

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light: Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death. Upon them a light as shined."
"In him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it."

Most people are aware that I suffer from depression. I cannot explain how truly awful it is, but being 'in the valley of the shadow of death' surely sounds a lot like it.
There's a song that says 'I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on.'

This is how I hold on. Every year I am reminded of the light, Jesus.

Everytime I see a candle, of lights decorated out the houses, I think of the light which darkness cannot overcome. No matter how dark my depression gets, I'm reminded that it cannot overcome the light.

I am so unbelievably grateful for this reminder every year.

Now don't get me wrong, I love all the other parts of Christmas as well, but the light is the true reason I love it.

God Bless.