So I've been really struggling with whether I should be writing this or not.
To decide whether this is actually just a cry for help, a public apology, a deep desire not to be misunderstood and therefore have to explain every decision I ever make, or something else altogether.
However, I am sat here reading a bunch of articles on why people commit suicide and I cannot stop shaking, and so I'm hoping that writing out my thoughts might help me not end up in a spiral. (And therefore be able to get back on with my dissertation which I am very passionate about.)
I want to start off by saying how good God is. I genuinely have not had a suicidal thought in 5 months. It is a miracle. I never thought I would see a day when I woke up not resenting the fact I was alive. My depression is very much lifted.
What has not lifted, and is becoming very difficult to manage, is all my other issues (severe abandonment and rejection issues). I use the term 'my BPD' a lot now to explain what's going on for me. I'm not entirely sure how accurate that diagnosis is for me, (I received it in 2012) but it's easier to frame my emotions around it in an understandable way, and so I'm mostly sticking with it for the time being. I'm putting the criteria here so you can have a bit of an understanding if you like:
BPD stands for 'Borderline Personality Disorder' - the DSM diagnostic criteria says this:
BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotion, as well as marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- A pattern of unstable and intense relationships characterised by extremes between idealisation and devaluation (also known as "splitting")
-Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsive behaviour in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
-Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behaviour
-Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
-Chronic feelings of emptiness
-Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
-Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
You can make your own judgements on how much it relates to me now (or even whether you like the westernised opinion on constantly diagnosing people), but to me it explains a lot of my behaviour as a teenager. Feeling completely out of control of my own emotions, especially in relation to boys.
Nowadays this is not as prevalent in my romantic relationships as in my platonic relationships. I cannot get over the idea that I will not be abandoned by every person I know. There must be something wrong with me, because I am always the first person to get in contact with people. If I'm unwell I will not hear from anyone for days.
For a long time I worked through some of these issues, making more of an effort no matter what my brain said. I messaged people first and started believing that people had their own lives and 99% of the time it's not personal (which I do still believe, by the way). But I have spent the last couple of months not having contact with any of my loved ones for days, and I am not in a place where I cannot take it personally (double negative sorry).
In my head, I am only sought out if no one else is available. I will get to lectures first (sometimes up to half an hour early) to get my seat and I will end up with both seats on either side of me being free. I end up on my own constantly. I leave lectures in tears realising that no one would chose to be near me unless they have to.
If you're saying to yourself right now 'yeah but we have other friends and our own lives to get on with as well' - I know that. It's no one person. It's that no one gets in contact unless I do first. Therefore, there must be something wrong with me that everyone else is seeing that I am not. Something that proves I'm not worth making any effort over. That i'm worth forgetting about. Even my lecturers noticed there is a tendency to gloss over me and forget to book me appointments etc, and worked really hard to make sure he didn't collude with whatever I seem to be putting out.
So right now I have basically given up on trying. I feel like crying constantly, and I cannot keep putting myself out there to be left on my own. If I'm gonna be on my own I am gonna boss my dissertation and do things I love. It's not gonna be because i'm waiting for people to get back in contact, only to find out the entire group have made their own plans to go there together. I have enough self-respect to know I deserve better.
And I'm now feeling super guilty because this almost feels like an attack on all the people that I love. And I guess in part it is, but it's not actually personal, and I hope you guys can see that.
I'm not in a place where I can see things rationally. And I'm sorry that i'm angry.
I guess this is me just explaining why I've been so 'off' with people at the moment. So other people think that it's something about them I don't want to be around. Don't worry guys, it's all me.
p.s. I am more than aware than BPD is not my identity, that I am found in Christ. I am depending on him for my life right now, this post is not about my faith so much as just explaining my thoughts about other people.
